I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
