My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i came on her dog
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
