is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
