the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
