What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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