I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
