Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
