I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
