do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
im holly from the hills drunk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
