Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
