how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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