some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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