I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
