Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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