I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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