i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
