3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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