The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
