You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
