Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
