I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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