I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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