I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
