My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
