Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
