Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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