omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
