RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
