Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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