His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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