i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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