How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Screwed.edu
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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