On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
