She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
