The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
