I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
