This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
