My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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