If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
