I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
