Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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