I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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