My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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