Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
