imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
