herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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