The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
