I wish my penis had an off switch
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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