Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
