I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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